Where to be ?
4/27/2024
As I write these words, the plane is taking off from Barcelona airport. My brain has yet to wrap its head around where, how, and why I am because I've been lost in all the timelines that have existed for the past few days. I'm tired, I think, and with a deep sigh, I lean against the small window of the plane, behind which the horizonless cloudy sky opens. I seem to have seen my whole life through such a window. Every few years, looking down at the open lands, praying that that tiny patch would become my home. It didn't. When I realized this, I took it as a tragedy. Now, I believe in the saying that the best things come to those who learn to wait.
"Where do you live?" Perhaps the most common question I hear is one that I haven't had an answer to for years. I don't have a home. Not because I don't want one. Much like with boys, so with houses - finding a boy is a matter of one day. Finding a loved one with whom you would like to try to live to old age is a matter of prayers and luck.
It turns out, just like with a lover - you accidentally fall in love with someone who does not meet your standards. I used to think that I would be the happiest under a palm tree, until I found my joy standing in front of the raging, icy waves of the ocean, which you rarely manage to wade into. I imagined myself fitting in with fiery, expressive people who promise love every five minutes, but the reality became different – I found happiness in the eyes of melancholic, timidly smiling, quiet people. In a place where nobody expects anything from you, and maybe that's why you want to give everything.
I fell in love a few years ago. Never, until today, have I seen my beloved through the window of an airplane. I never looked down on him, telling to be mine from now on. Until here, I walked hundreds of kilometers. With bruised legs, with tears on my cheeks, hoping for the only thing - that I could rest here. After a while, when it was time to leave- I already knew what is crystal clear today.
It will sound strange, but the right place must give you space not only to be happy. The right place allows you to cry as well. To be everything you've always wanted and always been afraid to become.
I still need to grow up to come back here. - I said two years ago when I was leaving. I flew around the world a few more times until I felt ready to finally come back. It took me some time to be the person who could belong here.
The chestnuts were blooming when I finally arrived. I drove through the tiny streets towards the river, and through the barely open windows of the taxi, I smelled my beloved, whom I had longed for so long. The beginning of the fragrance. People believe that whoever manages to kiss under the blooming chestnuts - their love will last forever. Last year, I remember, chestnuts bloomed at the end of May. Now the last days of April are passing by, and I accept this miracle of nature as a promise that I will try my best to fulfill.
I know that everything is better now than later. That's how love works. At first, the pink glasses you wear, make you want to be the best person on earth. After a while, everything changes. And when it will change, I hope I‘ll remember everything that made me fall in love in the first place.
In this photo, you can see another moment when I taste the world through a small window. Another moment when I realized that I was truly in love. Because even while watching one of the most impressive volcanoes in the world, my thoughts were on the other side of the world.
It is very interesting how I will read this chapter after a year.
I'll wait and see.
Apparently, I have already learned to wait.