The year
12/28/2024
The Year
The clearest memory of this year is the hospital room and the IV drip hanging above my head. The large room had seven beds, each with someone sitting by them, except for the middle one, which was exclusively mine. I had never felt so lonely on this earth as I did that day, somewhere in Vietnam, under the IV drip hanging above my head. Feeling sorry for myself – that’s something very unusual for me. I tend to love too much or get angry too much, but feeling sorry for myself – never. But on that day, the one that has stayed with me the most this year, I was waiting for the nurse with the syringe to come so that I could start crying, even though I’m not afraid of needles at all. At that moment, I would have forgiven all my former lovers, apologized, agreed to marry, have children, and stay in the strangest places in the world, just so that one of them would come back and sit on the edge of my bed. So that in those painfully lonely hours, they would hold my hand and go get me water from the vending machine. Luckily or unfortunately, I didn’t find the strength to call or write, and when after a few days, or finally weeks, I managed to get out of this event, I realized that in the future I need either to find a man or to take better care of my health. Looking back at the events of the past year and the people involved, I am firmly decided to invest in vitamins and sports.
I’ve seen so much of the world this year. But even though I was in different countries – nothing happened. It seems that I flew to different corners of the world, just to give hope a chance to surprise me again. Something that I could write new chapters of a book about, but everywhere I found only loneliness and silence. Too quiet – I complained to my friend, who is serving in the Israeli army, and at the same time, I felt ashamed, hearing her friendly laugh, more eloquent than all the words describing absurdity.
Over the last decade, I’ve spoiled myself, I know I’ve spoiled myself a lot. Life has given me all the most beautiful people, the deepest loves, the worst nights, and dream days, but this year it left me with nothing. It seems I’ve unwrapped all the candies, and now only the wrappers are left, which I folded and kept, and throughout the year, I took them out too often just to remember how it was. To catch the smell, remember the taste, but have nothing left. I would spend my days and nights searching, but finding nothing. On a diet, in other words.
You’re silly, Agne, I often say to myself, when I manage to end my days with the sunset over the ocean. Then, only then, it seems like nothing is missing, that the light, the air, the smell, I myself – I’m filled with the joy of the world. I realized that if I don’t feel life for 23 hours a day, that one hour with the sunset by the ocean brings it back to me. And probably, as I approach the age of Jesus, everyone finds antidotes to daily apathy. I found mine, and because of that, I changed my home address once again. I saw almost a hundred sunsets this year. And probably thanks to them, the year was bearable.
This year, I accompanied my friends to their first dates. I sat in outdoor cafes, and like a secret agent, I wrote down the numbers of the cars that came to pick them up. I watched their shining eyes when they came back and tried not to fall asleep while listening to their ramblings about how they didn’t care, although from those hours of conversation, it was clear that nothing had mattered for a long time, and nothing would matter as much as the person they had just kissed. I wanted to be jealous, but I couldn’t, remembering that each one of them had accompanied me, listened to me, and if needed, stayed up all night when, last year, I was falling from one love story to another. This year was not about me. And now I think it was good that it wasn’t about me.
It seems that the year ends not only by summarizing the past 365 days, but it feels like it ends by telling me about the last decade. It seems that I stood in a long line of life, where I had to struggle, get angry, and love deeply several times. I had to trade all my baggage for a backpack, love and hate the same things in different periods. Let someone more eager go ahead, learn to squeeze forward. Ask someone to save your spot, and then come back and find it taken. Learn not to wait anymore and at that very moment hear your name being called. See the same people moving into other, faster lines, and inviting you to join them. And after hesitating, trying to decide, you see that your line is actually moving in a completely different direction.
Last year, when saying goodbye to an acquaintance, I wished that life would give him as much as he deserves. Half a year later, that became my birthday wish for another friend. From their different reactions, I realized that everyone takes this wish differently. For some, it may sound like a curse, for others like the greatest wish for success. It seems that everything can be measured by an invisible internal gauge – how many times in life you acted as you felt was right, and how many times you had to act in a way that others would applaud you.
That's what I wish. For myself and for you. May the coming year bring each of us what we deserve.
And lots of sports, and vitamins.
So that we don’t have to write to old loves, but go to new dates with cheeks blushing from happiness.
And I’m once again at the end of the line.
Kisses.